It always works out

  Recently I’ve been having some anxiety. It is something I have always struggled with and sometimes there are times that it just gets harder. Of course I can probably come up with many reasons why. Which may or may not be helpful to come up with. Anyways after a few days of kind of feeling like it was taking over me I realized something. I realized that I was making it worse by trying to figure it out. I remembered suddenly a little meditation, at some point I tried to do meditation consistently. It was to imagine every thought and feeling going on to a leaf and going down a stream out of sight. Not holding on to it, not judging it. Just plucking it out of your mind and putting it on a leaf. And all those judgements, like why am I thinking this? What does this mean? I’m feeling like this because… those are thoughts and feelings too and they also get a leaf. Why can’t I do this meditation? I’m judging too much! Also a thought that goes on a leaf.  I also thought it was pretty...

 It’s a strange feeling when Simchas Torah ends. It feels like well, now what?  No more Yom tov after a whole month of just going, going, going. Like finishing a marathon.  One time I actually ran a 10K sure if wasn’t a marathon but it was my first time running that far and I was really down for the next few days. I felt like I did all this hard work and now it’s over. What did I do all this for?  Climbing climbing climbing  Bam Now what?  Well now,  I put up the laundry, I washed the dishes,  I swept the floor,  And made myself a hot cocoa on the stove. And as I look at my clean house and drink my hot cocoa  I think, regular life is regular (Though is there really such a thing as regular?) But it’s still beautiful. And the beauty is in the regularity. The difference between ending Tishrei and finishing a marathon is that Tishrei is actually training for the marathon. That is, the marathon is the whole year. The purpose of Tishrei is to ...

 I must not be the only one that says today will be different. And then maybe it is but I know that it wont last very long and so I don't really feel any accomplishment, because what's the point?  I know I will probably fall back into this bad habit tomorrow. Or maybe in a week. I see quotes like consistency is key, and successful people are consistent. So will I be successful if I can't be consistent? Will anything I do actually make a difference?  Maybe consistency doesn't always mean doing the same thing every day. Though, that is part of it.  Perhaps consistency is that drive. That drive that wakes up every day and says I really will do it! And then falls and fails and feels frustrated and still gets up the next day and tries. And feels like there's no point but still makes that call. Feels like there's no point but still tries. Consistently getting up again. Maybe not that day or the next. But eventually. Perhaps consistentcy is feeling like there's no ...

Life can be full and good and beautiful, yet there is an aching hole. I think of how often we try to cover it. Try to hide it and push it away and fill it.  And when it comes to the three weeks and the nine days and then its Tisha bAv. I try to just avoid thinking about the hole.  The unanswerable questions. But I feel it in my jewish soul.  Unanswered questions scare me the most. Eicha! The cry of the jewish soul.  Why? Why do you forsake your children that you love so much? If you love us? Perhaps it would even be easier if we knew we weren't loved. It would make sense But Judaism doesn't make sense.  Pain doesn't make sense Darkness doesn't make sense Exile doesn't make sense.  It's one big WHY? One big cry and lament. And I think perhaps many of us have gotten comfortable in this exile. Easier to give up to not ask the unanswerable questions. To not feel the pain.  And that's the biggest exile of all. When there's too much pain you just can't eve...

 Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew for hope that I can prove to the world and to myself that I've made it. That I can do it.  And then it flops and it leaves me feeling like a deflated balloon. Because that's basically what it is. Filling myself up with air only for it to pop because I can fool myself but can't fool others and if I can't do something, it turns out it's very apparent.  Sometimes it really feels like the whole world knows something I don't. Like everyone else is somehow able to do it and I fail again and again. And when I talk to others about that feeling they say they have it too.  So why do we all feel alone in our incapabilities? If everyone has them?  Because I think we all try to fill up our balloons. To prove to ourselves and the world that we won't pop. That we can do it.  Because there are expectations And we tell ourselves that if we fall short we're failures.  And most of the time, we do fall short. So most of us are wa...

 There was a trend a few months ago. It was "I met my younger self for coffee. So I hopped on the trend and wrote one. But then I realized, I'm still so young!  I feel overwhelmed and sometimes hopeless. What can I even tell my younger self?  Well of course a lot. But I felt my current self needed some encouragement. So I thought what would it be like to meet my older self. To look ahead and realize that the problems I'm facing now may not be as big or scary anymore when I'm older. I'll know more, I'll experience more.  And that gives me hope.  So here it is.  I met my older self for coffee She came more on time then I did, though still a few minutes late.  I don't know what she ordered, maybe a hot coffee, maybe she still liked it iced.  She looked pretty much the same, but calmer.  I sat down dejected , frustrated How did you get out of our bad habits?  I'm in a loop again and again Doing better, then falling again.  She smiled at...