Planting seeds

 Recently I’ve been having some anxiety. It is something I have always struggled with and sometimes there are times that it just gets harder. Of course I can probably come up with many reasons why. Which may or may not be helpful to come up with. Anyways after a few days of kind of feeling like it was taking over me I realized something. I realized that I was making it worse by trying to figure it out. I remembered suddenly a little meditation, at some point I tried to do meditation consistently. It was to imagine every thought and feeling going on to a leaf and going down a stream out of sight. Not holding on to it, not judging it. Just plucking it out of your mind and putting it on a leaf. And all those judgements, like why am I thinking this? What does this mean? I’m feeling like this because… those are thoughts and feelings too and they also get a leaf. Why can’t I do this meditation? I’m judging too much! Also a thought that goes on a leaf. 

I also thought it was pretty cool that I remembered this. Everything we do to try and help ourselves does not go in vain. Even if for months we don’t do the things it’s there. Like how your body never forgets to ride a bike. Maybe you need to get back into it and the first few minutes your stumbling but your body does remember. So don’t feel discouraged that your out of practice from a skill. Your mind will take it out when it needs it.

It was just Yud Shvat and there are many things that can be taken from it. But what I always find the most impactful to me is the perspective that the world is not actually messed up. Our minds are not the enemy. The world is a garden in which Hashem wishes to live in. With us. And He trusts us to tend this garden and restore it to its original beauty. If the world was a jungle there would be nothing to restore. Everything is here for us already. If we don’t see the beauty we can’t create it. If you look at everything like it’s messed up and beyond repair you can’t repair it. Sitting all packed in a room with probably about 100 people and some rabbi speaking this what I got from him. He said don’t just look at the people in your chabad house like that. Go look in the mirror and see the garden. Well I don’t remember exact words but it was something like that. And so when my mind is telling me all sorts of things that aren’t too helpful I don’t need to think I’m doomed and messed up and there’s something wrong with me. I can take the spade and the shovel and start attending to the garden. Taking out the weeds and planting seeds. Planting seeds of love and forgiveness and acceptance. Planting seeds of trust and faith. 

And seeds take time to grow. Meanwhile I will look at all the other beautiful things I’ve planted and that others have planted and keep working on my garden.