"The Right Way"

 We just ended Sefira. It's a time of mourning because Rabbi Akiva's students were struck down with a plague and 24,000 of them died. Why? Because they didn't respect each other. 

Now this doesn't seem to make much sense.

Rabbi Akiva was the epitome of Ahavas Yisroel. 

I learned that they loved each other so much they could just not tolerate that their fellow did not understand things “the right way.”

They each thought they needed to convince each other of the right thing. 

And that was their grave mistake. 

But I never related to this until just recently. 

I have a certain friend. I see that she's struggling and I have a certain idea of what she should be doing with her life. 

And it was so frustrating to me that she just wasn't doing those things. Until someone mentioned to me, you know those things you're saying are not helping her. She feels judged and it's making the problem worse. I was so caught up in what I thought my friend needed that I didn't pay attention to what she actually needed. 

And I think this is a mistake we can make when we care about someone. Because we just want to make it right. 

We just want that person to be better. 

We just want them to stop their negative behavior, or be happier and healthier. 

But that's really trying to make ourselves feel better. “I spent an hour convincing my friend to do this thing, look at what I did to help”!

But maybe I'm the one that's making the mistake. Maybe my way isn't always the right way. 

And so it takes humility to step back and realize that every person is on their own journey. We can't make someone do anything. 

Your job as a friend/ spouse/ parent/ fellow human is to support. 

To help on their terms. Whatever that means. Sometimes it means shutting your mouth. 

Sometimes it means just stepping back and giving the other some space to figure it out. 

And sometimes it may mean convincing them for an hour. 

But to just take a step back and think about what the other person needs. Not what I need.